Being Assertive Without Being Mean

Being assertive means speaking up for yourself in a clear, respectful, and confident way. It’s about expressing your thoughts, feelings, or needs while also considering others—without being passive or aggressive.

Being mean means hurting someone on purpose with words or actions. It can involve teasing, excluding, or saying unkind things to make someone feel bad.

It’s important for parents or carers to help children understand the difference between being assertive and being mean. Being assertive is about standing up for themselves while still being kind. Being mean, however, involves intentionally hurting someone. Teaching this distinction helps children develop strong communication skills and build healthy relationships, while also learning to stand up for themselves in a positive, respectful way.

Here are some tips on helping your child be assertive without being mean:

Model Respectful Communication - Show your child how to express their needs and feelings calmly and respectfully in everyday situations.

Teach “I” Statements - Encourage your child to use phrases like “I feel…” or “I need…” to express themselves clearly without blaming others.

Role-Play Scenarios - Practice common situations where assertiveness is needed (e.g., standing up to a friend who is being bossy) so they can rehearse how to respond calmly.

Discuss Feelings and Consequences -Talk with your child about how their words and actions can make others feel. Help them understand that being assertive is about expressing their needs without causing harm.

Praise Respectful Behaviour - Acknowledge and praise your child when they handle situations assertively and kindly, reinforcing the positive behaviour.

Teach Boundaries - Help your child understand the importance of setting boundaries with others and expressing them in a respectful, firm way.

Clarify the Difference Between Assertiveness and Aggression - Explain that being assertive means standing up for themselves, while being mean involves intentionally hurting or disrespecting others.

Encourage Empathy - Help your child understand how their actions affect others by talking about how someone might feel if treated with kindness versus meanness.

Encourage Problem-Solving - When conflicts arise, guide your child through steps to calmly and respectfully resolve the issue, rather than lashing out or retreating.

Support Open Conversations - Create an environment where your child feels comfortable discussing their feelings and challenges, so they can seek guidance when unsure about their actions.

Sara Ljuboja
School Counsellor