Surviving Primary School Friendships

It's perfectly normal that children will argue, fall out and even change friendship groups from time to time. Children change and grow throughout the primary school years, and we can expect that friendships will change or grow along with them. Unfortunately, school friendships can be very difficult for some children, despite the vigilance of the teachers and the rules the school has in place.  

Some children tend to build friendships around outdoor games, sport and physical activity. They engage as a group and enjoy competing with and against each other. They value skill and ability, and respect this in themselves and in each other. Many friendships start on a sports court or field, and life can be very difficult for a child that don't like or is not good at competitive type play.  Some children will tease and sledge each other during play, particularly if they see another child as clumsy, unskilled or as letting down the team.  

On the other hand, some children are hard wired to find a 'best friend'. They value one-on-one play, deep and meaningful conversation and confiding in each other. Some children can be very hard on each other, and others strive to fit in. Unfortunately, children can sometimes be very frank– they say it the way they see it, and don't worry about hurting feelings. Working toward finding their 'best friends', some children will exclude others, picking and choosing who can play with them on any given day, or rejecting some children all the time, setting up an 'us vs. them' scenario.

How will you know if your child is having trouble with peers?

It is not always obvious that a child is struggling with an issue, so if you notice changes in your child's behaviour, it's important to talk about it.  The following may or may not indicate that something is worrying your child. If several of these apply, it would be worth exploring further with your child or consulting with a health professional.

• quiet or withdrawn
• complain of vague headaches or stomach aches
• not eating their lunch or losing items
• no longer playing with previously close friends
• moody or easily distressed
• not wanting to go to school
• difficulty sleeping at night
• sudden changes in eating behaviour

What can you do?

One important thing you can do is to help increase your child's level of assertiveness. Here are some tips, adapted from the Very Well Family website:

Highlight the difference between assertive and aggressive

Assertive people are confident in who they are and what their needs and wants are. They respect and consider the ideas of others as well as their own. They can stand up for themselves in a confident yet respectful way.

Aggressive people are less respectful of the opinions of others. They are interested in their own needs and can be very forceful, both verbally and physically.

Explain to your child that aggressive people attempt to force other people to do what they want them to - they manipulate and intimidate people to get what they want from them.  Assertive people respect the needs and wishes of others while still expressing their own. They will defend themselves or others against unfairness by calmly stating their thoughts and opinions using a respectful voice and language. Teach your child to use a strong and confident voice, without aggression or anger.  

Allow them to make choices

Empower your children to make their own choices about things they are asked to do by others. Assure them that it's okay to say no to any request that makes them uncomfortable. For example, if she doesn’t want to go to the movies with a certain friend, or if he doesn't want to play at the house of a certain friend, it is okay to say no. Be sure your children know they have the freedom to make choices. Practice giving your child options that require them to make choices at home. If you constantly make choices for your children, they will be more likely to allow friends and others to make choices for them as well.

Stress that they have rights

Make sure your children know they have the right to be treated with respect, to express their feelings, to state their needs and to be proud of who they are. If your child has a friend that does not respect their rights, you should help them question their relationship with that person. Assertive people do not let others trample on their rights; they learn to stand up for themselves.  

Foster self-esteem

Building self-esteem is an important prerequisite for assertiveness. Children with low self-esteem will find it harder to be assertive and stand up for themselves.  To build self-esteem in your children, listen to and validated what they have to say, and encourage them to think for themselves. This demonstrates to them that their thoughts, feelings and opinions matter. They will be more comfortable asserting themselves if they are confident in who they are. Encourage self-expression at home where it is safe to be authentic. This helps build confidence and allows your child to practice being real with others.

Practice assertiveness at home

Role-play everyday situations that your children face at school. For instance, pretend to be a teacher and have your child ask for help. Or pretend to be a challenging friend and have your child practice being assertive. By practicing assertiveness, you will help your child get used to expressing their needs in a safe environment, which will normalize the process and make it easier for them to assert themselves later, with their peers. 

Be aware of how you respond to your child's requests

When supporting your child in developing assertiveness, it is helpful to be mindful of when a child makes a request and to remain open minded and curious when responding to their request. For example, if you get aggravated every time your child makes a request, or if you reply with a sharp “no,” this can feed into a child’s belief that their thoughts, desires, and ideas are not important. Instead, try to offer a brief explanation and context for your answer, especially if you are saying “no.” Children need to be reminded that it is acceptable to ask, even if the answer is sometimes “no.”

Communicate that assertive people still ask for help

Finally, let your kids know that being assertive does not mean they cannot ask others for help, especially if they are in a situation that is unfamiliar or scary. Be sure they know that when it comes to bullying of any kind, everyone needs a little assistance. Assure your child that asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of. Instead, it shows they are being wise in addressing a difficult issue.

The 7 Characteristics of a Healthy Friendship

Treat Each Other as Equals 

In a healthy friendship, all friends are treated as equals with an equitable say in what they do. Even if one or two friends tend to take the lead, they treat your child with respect and as an equal. But in unbalanced friendships, one person usually takes the lead by wielding power, being bossy or demanding that things are done a certain way. There is no collaboration or fair treatment. If your child is not treated as an equal in the relationship, then the friendship is not healthy.

Are Respectful

Healthy friendships exist when friends are respectful, honest and trustworthy. In other words, they do not engage in gossip or rumours. They also keep things other people have shared in confidence to themselves. And, if they do make a mistake, they take responsibility for their actions and apologize.  Children should feel safe and respected in their friendships.

Celebrate One Another's Successes 

Jealousy and envy are very dangerous emotions that can lead children to bullying. Watch for signs of jealousy and if you witness anything that doesn't seem quite right, be sure to talk to your child about the characteristics of a healthy friendship.

Stand Up for Each Other

One of the best ways that friendships deter bullying, is when one friend stands up for or defends another that is being targeted. A good friend will tell the person to stop, help report the incident, and offer support once the incident is over. Good friends are more than just bystanders, they form a support system that will help your child cope.

Support Other Friendships 

Solid friendships are not exclusive friendships. In other words, when your child is in a healthy friendship his/her friends are supportive of their different groups of friends. Children in cliques are not supportive of friends branching out; they insist on exclusivity and often pressure others in the group to conform by ostracizing others.

Are Real and Authentic 

In a healthy friendship, your child will feel comfortable being themselves. Additionally, his/her friends will be authentic and real as well. No one feels like they have to pretend to be someone they are not.

Do Not Engage in Peer Pressure         

Good friends respect another person’s boundaries. If your child asks a friend not to do something or says no to a request, a good friend would respect that. Conversely, unhealthy friendships can involve a lot of peer pressure. If your child’s friends pressure him/her to do things they do not want to do, including pressuring them to pick on others, be sure your child knows how to respond to peer pressure.

If your child's friendships don’t have these seven characteristics, it's important that you talk to them about what constitutes a good friend and help them look for and develop healthier friendships. Help them identify what makes a good friend. Be supportive too. Making friends they can count on is not always easy. This process will take time.