From your School Counsellor

The problem with would've, should've and I should not have.

We all judge ourselves for different things at different times. Our lives can get filled up with the should've, would've and could've. The problem is that these words are judgement words and promote negative feelings about us. For example, I should've known better; I could've done better. And then there are the 'I should not haves'; I should not have eaten that brownie; I should not have yelled at my child; I should not have bought that outfit. Can you see how all these ways of thinking promote negative feelings?

Many children also get caught in the 'would've – should've' and the 'I should not haves'. When they do, they are judging themselves, criticizing themselves and making themselves feel bad. It is fine to recognise that there are consequences for what they did, and they may well wish they had done things differently, but that is okay. That is all about learning from what they did. What is important is that we encourage children to reflect on what they did and how they can do it differently next time, but at the same, teach them that making mistakes is okay, and they do not have to punish themselves for it.

When you catch your child doing the 'would've – should've' or the 'I should not have', it is important to point it out to them, explain it to them, and try to turn the negative thinking around to a positive statement of what they will do different next time.  Learning that it is okay to make mistakes will help them build resilience as they become able to bounce back from situations without inflicting themselves with negative thinking and shame.

If you have any questions for me, my email is doreenw@catholiccare.dow.org.au

Best regards, Doreen